We're in deep shit now

I just had a car accident today.

Renault Kangoo. Good seatbelts. Trust me, I tried it crash test dummy style.

“Woah…” was the first thing on my mind at the time of the accident. No white lights. No fears. No guilt. Not thinking of my love ones. No ‘God help me~!!’ at all, and I didn’t think of any flashback of my life. I don’t feel any of those thoughts or emotions as what I’d heard when people had close encounter with death. I just felt…calmed.

After we got out of the car from the door on my side, we checked if we got any injuries and found none. No one was hurt, no car was rammed into, and no animal was dead, or harmed in anyway in the process of making the accident happened. It’s a miracle that we’d survive at all.

It was then when I looked at the vehicle that I felt some serious emotions.

The car was dented at the front and top, the windscreen was shattered, and the side mirrors was like a flatten curry puff.

We’re in deep shit now.

My colleague was more worried then me though. He should be. Because he was the one driving the company’s van and he just got his license. When I called back to office to report the accident, my colleague on the phone made me repeated “I’m serious, we had an accident.” at least 3 times before she’s convinced it’s true. That’s the downside of being a joker; no one takes you seriously when they need to.

So when everything had been settled, and on my way back home, I’m still troubled by my “calmness” I had felt earlier.

Is it because I’m such a calm person?? Is it because I’m not hurt at that time; therefore I can’t feel pain or shock and the seriousness of hanging my life on the string?? Is it because I’d suffer from minor depression and was suicidal in the past, making this seems like another roller coaster ride?? Or is it because I’m already numb with my life and living without a purpose, that I’m not scared of Grim Reaper’s visits?? I really don’t know.

And I’m not trying to act macho to you guys out there, as I don’t need to prove anything at this point. Do you really want to feel nothing at all when your life is in extreme danger? I don’t have that feeling that I should change for the better, or cherish life more than before, right now after the accident. But I do hope to feel some gratefulness that I’m alive. Because if this doesn’t make me change, then I don’t know what will.

Though of the day: “What does not kill me makes me stronger.”
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900), German philosopher

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